Chpt 4. Melancholy, and Fears for the future

Years have passed, and here I am, still here, without any progress in my life..

Life still just as monotonous.

So bored, so tired, and so busy, all the fucking time.

I tried looking for someone new in my life, but I can’t seem to find any.

Recently I thought i found someone that I thought I could perhaps like,

but I found that I didn’t really like her all that much. Its not that I found out more about her and felt that she wasn’t what I was looking for.. but.. I just lost interest. Idk why. I just did.

I don’t really know what to do with my life.. I feel so… unmotivated.. so bored.. so dead..

I’m not bored because I have nothing to do.. I’m definitely very busy.. But I’m still bored.

What can I do? What should I do?

Chpt 3. Emptyness

No matter how many things you have in your possession, it just fills you with even more emptiness when you don’t have the thing you want. 

I can’t seem to be happy. Its like, I’m not meant to be happy. Why? Something I never wanted, once start wanting it, immediately falls out of my grasp. Why?

Why is it this way? Why must it always be this way?

Is it me? Is it because I always screw things up? Why do I always screw things up? Why do I always feel inclined to screw things up?

What can I do? To be Happy? What does it mean? To be happy?

I’m searching for something..

What am I searching for?

Happiness.

It feels like..

It can never be found…

Fuck this.. I’ll be back to normal soon enough..

Feeling empty again.. Soon enough..

This feeling.. of misery.. of desperation.. Will disappear.. Soon enough..

Chpt 2. Its gone

Suddenly thought about you. I don’t know why. I never really did have any strong feelings for you, or so I thought. Maybe I don’t. Because I didn’t really feel anything when you left.

Though I lied. To you. A lot. So many times. I acted like I didn’t care. Or that I was busy. But actually. I wanted to meet you. To see you. But I made up excuses. That I was busy. That I didn’t mind. Not being able to see you.

And then you left. I did. Actually. I ended it. But. It was dying. We never talked. We never met. I know. I was busy. And your life. It wasn’t that easy. And shit was happening. At least thats what you said. Hope that it was true. Nevermind. It doesn’t matter. Its over. Anyway.

You were. Always sad. I don’t know. There was always something happening. Something that you would want to complain about. I’m just not good at consoling people. Its just that. Its not like I told you. Its not that I don’t get unhappy. Its just that being with you. Made me happy. Making me forget. Whatever was happening. At that point of time. My troubles. My worries. Would all go away. I liked you. A lot. I really did.

Nah. I don’t miss you. Its not you. Its me. I guess. I don’t miss you. I miss having someone here with me. I don’t like interacting with people. Its tiring. I did tell you that. Though it sucks when there’s nobody to interact with. Fuck. I’m a horrible human being.

Chpt 1. My Hopes, My Thoughts, My Fears, & My Dreams

Growing up, I was never one that spent a lot.

It hasn’t changed much, after I stopped getting pocket money and started working part-time to take care of my own expenses.

When I’m older, I want to live as how my parents had, raising children like how I was raised. They weren’t such misers no were they very spendthrift.

They didn’t earn much, though was able to lead such a comfortable lifestyle. Maybe it wasn’t so good, and what I saw growing up was not the full picture, but it was good enough.

My dream is to get a job that have a decent salary. If I were to get a lucky break, or start a leap of faith into an opportunity that would let me earn way more than what I expected, I sure hope that I would not change to be someone I would not like to be.

Day by day, I keep thinking of ways to improve myself. To be a better man that whom I was yesterday. I can see my self improving, and I can control myself better in doing things that are better for myself and those around me but I know that I shouldn’t be complacent and that it isn’t enough.